Sidney is 1

I've purposely prolonged this post because I'm in denial that my baby is 1. I promise people, we just had this child. I mean, it certainly feels like we just brought her home. I remember all the preparation for her arrival. You know, big sister books for Weslyn, transitioning the guest room to a nursery, and washing all the baby girl clothes; not to mention getting out all the baby items that took over our living room. Swings and bassinets are huge. On the other hand, I remember the hard times as well. My pregnancy with Sidney was hard. It was exhausting. It was emotional. It was a test of faith. I remember back to my days in the hospital when I should have been really scared. God gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding and a few months later He helped me deliver a perfectly healthy baby girl. Some times I sit and look at her, just in awe that she's here. God's mercy on our family has been so overwhelming and I'm definitely in love with this little girl. Fast forward to a year later and I've learned a lot about our Sidney girl. She's funny, loves her momma, scared of little dogs, loves to sleep and is full of DRAMA. Let me remind you that I was on light bed rest for nearly 15 weeks with Sidney. She gave us a good scare. When she was born, the cord was wrapped around her neck and she wasn't breathing. Seconds later her blue face turned pink and she let out a loud cry. Seriously, yikes. I mean all of that shouts out drama. Since then, the child has been full of it in the sweetest, most endearing way possible. She knows what she wants and will let you know it. As tiring as it can be, I've come to admire my little ball of fire. I connect with her too. The first time my mother experienced Sidney's personality she said, "Oh, Sarah. You were the same way. You would cry out of nowhere, for no reason. Like someone just came up and pinched you." Well...that makes sense.

We were so lucky to have Lawton's family in town to celebrate Sidney's birthday. So Sidney got a little party on her birthday, then another one a few days later. I know, spoiled rotten, right?

Sidney Catherine Graves, born on August 18, 2013

Sidney's first year has been a whirlwind of emotions but nothing short of amazing. Thank you, Lord for our sweet Sidney girl. She makes our family better!

Smudges On My Windows.

My house is usually a mess. I say usually because I do spend a few free seconds here and there throughout the day picking it up. For about 3 minutes things look presentable. Enter 3 year old and 1 year old and my humble abode is a disaster again. This seems to be a common issue among homes that house small children. Really, any children. I've sat around tables before talking with other moms about how their house is always a mess. For some it doesn't drive them as batty as me. For others, it irks them. I'd like to say I find comfort in the cute pins on pinterest about how great parents have messy houses. Meaning, moms and dads are spending time with their kids instead of worrying about the house. It's easier said than done, however I do think the idea is wonderful. Really wonderful, until you need a time out from peek-a-boo and building towers and all you see when you look around is the result of what must have been a tornado. It's exhausting. It can also be discouraging. I think it brings me down because when I look around, I feel like it's a reflection of what's going on with me. If things are a mess around me physically, I fear it must mean I'm a mess as well. Which, in the first six months of a child's life, is actually true. I am kind of a mess. I embrace that mess. But when you're ready to not feel like a mess anymore, it's difficult to accept the mess. You want to change it, but the season of life you're in won't really allow it.

As a therapist I teach people how to reframe their thoughts. Cognitive reframing is a psychological technique that helps you look at the world around you in a different way, which helps you experience events and situations in a different way. It can be quite miraculous in how you see and feel about every day life if you're doing it consistently. I've always known this is what I needed to do but it was going to take more than a cute ecard to motivate me to not come unglued. I needed to get the bigger picture. Then I saw something while I was watching my girls play. Smudges on my windows. Something clicked. I watched them laugh as they looked at each other through the window of our back door. I began tying the event with the mess. This is it. This is why my house is a mess...and I love it. God revealed what a beautiful mess looks like.  It put me at ease and gave me peace. I suddenly felt ok with the mess and to my surprise, didn't want to wipe the smudges away. Then another thing occurred to me. I felt God gently telling me, you're right, Sarah. This is a reflection of you. This is your life right now. You're welcome. The meaning of my mess was suddenly different. It was a gift and it was fleeting. These are the years empty nesters are talking about. Some day, I won't have anyone to clean up after. The toys will be gone and my house will be quiet. I stepped back and realized that as quickly as my life has changed in the past 3 years, the years to come will be quick as well. This season is fast and this kind of mess is temporary. I felt my heart already yearning to have these years back. Some day, that baby won't want to be held and some day, that little girl won't run to me when she scraps her knee. Some day, the smudges will be gone. I took a deep breath, looked around, peacefully embraced the mess and gained an eternal perspective. Because it really isn't a mess at all, it's life. An incredible gift of life that God has given me. What I did with it was really important. How I spent my time was really important. How I viewed this gift was really important. It would dictate how I would live and how I would view the world.

It's still a struggle, but I try my hardest to wake up every day with this eternal perspective. The day-to-day mess means something is alive in my home. It's what is shaping my kids and our hearts as parents. The smudges are good. They are evidence of life.