Good Mom, Bad Mom

This is the game I play with myself on a daily basis. Am I good mom right now, or bad mom? I say "right now" because it's something that can change by the minute. Each activity we do and choice I make, I feel like I'm in a constant state of confusion and uncertainty of who I am at that given moment. Good mom or bad mom? Am I a good mom if I don't let my kid watch too much tv, or is it no tv at all? Or am I a good mom if I let myself get some things done around the house, so I let her watch some tv? Am I a bad mom if I send my barely two year old daughter to mother's morning out 1 morning a week, or am I a bad mom if I keep her to myself and fail to subject her to socialization? Am I a bad mom if I eat chick-fil-a while I'm pregnant (which I'm doing at this very moment) or am I a good mom who is modeling food choice moderation to her toddler? Ok, that one is probably a stretch, but you get the picture. This is all very grey and grey can leave me in a state of stress.

I've never felt more confused with any other job. I pride myself on being a pretty rational and logically thinking female. I like to think it's a trait my husband values and probably a big reason why he fell in love with me. However, when it comes to being a mom, I often throw logic and rationale out the window and allow my mind  to play some evils tricks on my self-worth. There are no right answers, no matter what the other moms in your play group say. Yes, they all have a lot of opinions, but none of them can show me evidence or proof that many of the decisions we make as mothers has a 100% guarantee that our kids will end up a certain way. We make choices about tv, food, cleaning products, schools, slings, epidurals, church, using the word "no", cry it out, swaddles, dating, friends, and every other possible decision we can think of with the hope they will turn out a certain way. Smarter, happier and healthier, right? I think in return we are  making ourselves more confused, upset and a little nutty.

I have a strong belief that this is an attack on moms in particular. It's not exclusive to moms only, but I see it more in females. Strong, confident women who suddenly become defensive, prideful and insecure when it comes to one area...parenting. The guilt of making horrible choices hangs over us like a cloud for years. How do we stop it? How do we end the cycle and finally come to the conclusion that what is not "ok" for one family might be "ok" for another? How do we stop comparing our family to other families and our children to other children?

For myself and my family, I've come to the conclusion that every choice I make, big or small, needs to involve Jesus' guidance, peace and love for me. Even myself as a logical, educated family therapist cannot base my parenting decisions solely on scholarly research articles and expert authors with all confidence. I surely cannot allow all  my self-worth to be wrapped up in the findings of a few studies done back in the 90's or in the opinion of my friend's cousin's friend whose kid went to a public school one time and is now in jail. The only confidence I have is in Jesus. I can have all the opinions I want and I can listen to the opinions of others, but the only one that really needs to matter in my house is His. His conviction and his peace. I've never been able to give out therapeutic assistance without His help (Sorry if some of you feel gypped). Why would I not involve Him on all my decisions as a mom? Why would I not allow His opinion and truth to over rule all others? It's a tricky game, so I'm done with good mom, bad mom. I'm done with allowing what another mom is doing to leave me insecure. My hope is for His grace and mercy to rule over my heart and my confidence as a mother. I need to listen to the still small voice in my heart that says, "You're doing just fine, Sarah. Just follow me." Finally I can be free to jam out to Fleetwood Mac every now and then instead of listening to Elmo for the 1, 548, 909th time (yes, I'm 28 and I jam out to Stevie). I pray I can lean into His love more often than the parenting books I read which tell me no matter what, I'll probably fail. There is hope in Him. My self worth and hope for my children to be smarter, happier and healthier lies in Him alone.

23 1/2 weeks, baby #2

Today I felt the urge to post about my experience so far with baby #2. Fortunately, I only had the typical 1st trimester sickness that most women get. Since then, I've felt fine. Most days I forget I'm pregnant  until the end of the day when my back is aching. I've been able to keep up with most activities and I can still carry Weslyn around on my hip. Overall, I feel really great and blessed to be pregnant with our second child. Everything is as healthy as can be and the pregnancy is going by very quickly! Of course I don't take nearly as many "belly" photos as I did with my first, for two reasons. 1. I forget how many weeks along I am...all the time. So I end up not even taking pictures. 2. I don't have the overwhelming desire as I did w/ my first pregnancy to document every time my belly grew. Mostly because this time around I get a lot of  "are you due soon?" to which I reply, "no, I have the WHOLE summer to go." I feel the immediate urge to tell people it's my 2nd pregnancy and yes I do exercise. ha! Isn't it funny how people talk to pregnant women? I've never experienced so many people needing to give me advice or assume my due date just by looking at my belly. It's funny how many experts are out there...who have never been pregnant and are not obgyns:)

This is my post to pregnant ladies. The ones who get really rude comments and advice from all kinds of people. Let me tell you, ladies, ignore these comments and put on your best smile. Don't give them another moment of your energy and don't explain yourself. You are carrying life inside of you!Whether you are working full time or taking care of your 1, 2 or 3+ children, you really don't have time or energy to put into caring about all the comments or advice. So be proud of yourself every day that you get up and carry on throughout your day without having a hormonal breakdown . Be proud of yourself when you get out of bed to take care of your children while carrying a bowling ball in your stomach. Be proud of yourself every time you refrain from punching someone in the face for the ridiculous things that come out of their mouth. Most of all, be proud of how God is using you to carry the little life inside of you. The comments and advice are only distractions from what you need to be focusing on, providing safety and good health to that little life. Don't get caught up in your insecurities. You. Are. Pregnant. You can't really trust your emotions right now. Relax and enjoy this time in your life. You won't always be in the season when you're constantly pregnant. One day your children will be grown, graduating high school, getting married, having children of their own. Treasure this time when it's appropriate to give your children your undivided attention. One day it won't be necessary or wanted:) Ignore the distractions and focus on that little life you hold and the little lives in your home.

 I'm going to start treasuring this time I have with baby #2. I've learned that time flies way too fast. Before you know it that bowling ball turns into a walking, talking toddler. Proof below.

38 weeks pregnant with Weslyn. Bowling ball.

Newborn Weslyn. 

Walking, talking toddler, Weslyn. Goes by too fast.

So here's to being 23 1/2 weeks pregnant and looking like I could pop at any moment!

23 1/2 weeks pregnant w/ baby #2.