Good Mom, Bad Mom

This is the game I play with myself on a daily basis. Am I good mom right now, or bad mom? I say "right now" because it's something that can change by the minute. Each activity we do and choice I make, I feel like I'm in a constant state of confusion and uncertainty of who I am at that given moment. Good mom or bad mom? Am I a good mom if I don't let my kid watch too much tv, or is it no tv at all? Or am I a good mom if I let myself get some things done around the house, so I let her watch some tv? Am I a bad mom if I send my barely two year old daughter to mother's morning out 1 morning a week, or am I a bad mom if I keep her to myself and fail to subject her to socialization? Am I a bad mom if I eat chick-fil-a while I'm pregnant (which I'm doing at this very moment) or am I a good mom who is modeling food choice moderation to her toddler? Ok, that one is probably a stretch, but you get the picture. This is all very grey and grey can leave me in a state of stress.

I've never felt more confused with any other job. I pride myself on being a pretty rational and logically thinking female. I like to think it's a trait my husband values and probably a big reason why he fell in love with me. However, when it comes to being a mom, I often throw logic and rationale out the window and allow my mind  to play some evils tricks on my self-worth. There are no right answers, no matter what the other moms in your play group say. Yes, they all have a lot of opinions, but none of them can show me evidence or proof that many of the decisions we make as mothers has a 100% guarantee that our kids will end up a certain way. We make choices about tv, food, cleaning products, schools, slings, epidurals, church, using the word "no", cry it out, swaddles, dating, friends, and every other possible decision we can think of with the hope they will turn out a certain way. Smarter, happier and healthier, right? I think in return we are  making ourselves more confused, upset and a little nutty.

I have a strong belief that this is an attack on moms in particular. It's not exclusive to moms only, but I see it more in females. Strong, confident women who suddenly become defensive, prideful and insecure when it comes to one area...parenting. The guilt of making horrible choices hangs over us like a cloud for years. How do we stop it? How do we end the cycle and finally come to the conclusion that what is not "ok" for one family might be "ok" for another? How do we stop comparing our family to other families and our children to other children?

For myself and my family, I've come to the conclusion that every choice I make, big or small, needs to involve Jesus' guidance, peace and love for me. Even myself as a logical, educated family therapist cannot base my parenting decisions solely on scholarly research articles and expert authors with all confidence. I surely cannot allow all  my self-worth to be wrapped up in the findings of a few studies done back in the 90's or in the opinion of my friend's cousin's friend whose kid went to a public school one time and is now in jail. The only confidence I have is in Jesus. I can have all the opinions I want and I can listen to the opinions of others, but the only one that really needs to matter in my house is His. His conviction and his peace. I've never been able to give out therapeutic assistance without His help (Sorry if some of you feel gypped). Why would I not involve Him on all my decisions as a mom? Why would I not allow His opinion and truth to over rule all others? It's a tricky game, so I'm done with good mom, bad mom. I'm done with allowing what another mom is doing to leave me insecure. My hope is for His grace and mercy to rule over my heart and my confidence as a mother. I need to listen to the still small voice in my heart that says, "You're doing just fine, Sarah. Just follow me." Finally I can be free to jam out to Fleetwood Mac every now and then instead of listening to Elmo for the 1, 548, 909th time (yes, I'm 28 and I jam out to Stevie). I pray I can lean into His love more often than the parenting books I read which tell me no matter what, I'll probably fail. There is hope in Him. My self worth and hope for my children to be smarter, happier and healthier lies in Him alone.

23 1/2 weeks, baby #2

Today I felt the urge to post about my experience so far with baby #2. Fortunately, I only had the typical 1st trimester sickness that most women get. Since then, I've felt fine. Most days I forget I'm pregnant  until the end of the day when my back is aching. I've been able to keep up with most activities and I can still carry Weslyn around on my hip. Overall, I feel really great and blessed to be pregnant with our second child. Everything is as healthy as can be and the pregnancy is going by very quickly! Of course I don't take nearly as many "belly" photos as I did with my first, for two reasons. 1. I forget how many weeks along I am...all the time. So I end up not even taking pictures. 2. I don't have the overwhelming desire as I did w/ my first pregnancy to document every time my belly grew. Mostly because this time around I get a lot of  "are you due soon?" to which I reply, "no, I have the WHOLE summer to go." I feel the immediate urge to tell people it's my 2nd pregnancy and yes I do exercise. ha! Isn't it funny how people talk to pregnant women? I've never experienced so many people needing to give me advice or assume my due date just by looking at my belly. It's funny how many experts are out there...who have never been pregnant and are not obgyns:)

This is my post to pregnant ladies. The ones who get really rude comments and advice from all kinds of people. Let me tell you, ladies, ignore these comments and put on your best smile. Don't give them another moment of your energy and don't explain yourself. You are carrying life inside of you!Whether you are working full time or taking care of your 1, 2 or 3+ children, you really don't have time or energy to put into caring about all the comments or advice. So be proud of yourself every day that you get up and carry on throughout your day without having a hormonal breakdown . Be proud of yourself when you get out of bed to take care of your children while carrying a bowling ball in your stomach. Be proud of yourself every time you refrain from punching someone in the face for the ridiculous things that come out of their mouth. Most of all, be proud of how God is using you to carry the little life inside of you. The comments and advice are only distractions from what you need to be focusing on, providing safety and good health to that little life. Don't get caught up in your insecurities. You. Are. Pregnant. You can't really trust your emotions right now. Relax and enjoy this time in your life. You won't always be in the season when you're constantly pregnant. One day your children will be grown, graduating high school, getting married, having children of their own. Treasure this time when it's appropriate to give your children your undivided attention. One day it won't be necessary or wanted:) Ignore the distractions and focus on that little life you hold and the little lives in your home.

 I'm going to start treasuring this time I have with baby #2. I've learned that time flies way too fast. Before you know it that bowling ball turns into a walking, talking toddler. Proof below.

38 weeks pregnant with Weslyn. Bowling ball.

Newborn Weslyn. 

Walking, talking toddler, Weslyn. Goes by too fast.

So here's to being 23 1/2 weeks pregnant and looking like I could pop at any moment!

23 1/2 weeks pregnant w/ baby #2. 

Curb Appeal Progress

When we started our house hunt two and a half years ago ( I can't even believe it's been that long) I had one thing on the top of my "must have" list. A front lawn with grass and a pretty exterior. I was a typical first time home buyer who wanted something I wasn't going to really be able to afford in the neighborhood we wanted to live in. I guess that's why it took us nearly 6 months to find a house. I eventually came to my senses and realized A. being house poor isn't very appealing and B. I wasn't going to get my pretty picture house for the price we wanted to pay in our ideal neighborhood. It just wasn't going to happen. So I had to....compromise. It was hard but well worth it. I've learned to appreciate a house that has a good structure and has "potential." It's actually been a driving force to make me much more patient in the last two years. I guess God really is working thru everything, even our vain desires for a pretty house:)

Last weekend Lawton and I spent all day on Saturday landscaping. It's been a slow process getting some grass in the yard and reviving the plants we do have, but it's been worth it. It's not there yet, but it's getting there. We're definitely making progress.

This is what the house looked like when we moved in. Yes, that is Lawton's 87 year old grand mother doing my yard work. As you can see, zero grass, a lot of weeds and the shrubs were butchered. The house color was pretty bland too. And the wall...ugh.

Here is the progress. Half of the wall removed, Holly trees out, painted front door, new plants and revived old shrubs. Looking much better. The next item on our agenda will be to paint. Not the whole house, but details of it. Hope to get it done before baby comes in September!

Cousins.

Weslyn, Kobe and I made a trip to Raleigh last week and had a fantastic time with her cousins. Poor Lawton had to stay home to work, but we took lots of pictures for him so he could see what we were up to. Weslyn had the BEST time with her cousins. She warmed up to them very quickly and really enjoyed being with them every waking moment. Kobe enjoyed the attention too. Chesson and Anna Corbin took turns feeding him every day. He and Chesson also had some great male bonding time. I wish I had pictures of Chesson pretending to be Kobe and laying down with him. So cute! We were all pretty sad to leave, but we're looking forward to our next visit!

Going to a restaurant with three kids is easy...if two mommas are there to control the chaos!

These two princesses had so much fun dressing up and playing. Weslyn wore this dress everyday she was there. 

Lots of silly faces to send to Uncle Lawton/Daddy, Gigi and G daddy!

Finally some down time. It's a good thing these kids
enjoy the quiet time as much as Kobe.
 Notice him taking a snooze in the background. :)

Back to the dance party

Lots of dance parties!

All three in the Yukon. It's a good thing Corbin and Byerly have this car with their third child on the way. Plenty of room for all of them!

Can't wait for all of them to be reunited again! We've got to get ready to have two more added to the bunch:)

Baptism.

This was one of the happiest days of my life and also one of the most emotional. A year ago from Easter my sister gave her life to Christ. Almost exactly one year later, she made a proclamation thru baptism that Jesus is her Lord & Savior. My words were few. My heart was grateful. My faith was changed. Jesus changes people.

My sister did a video that she resisted to do for some time. Once she realized the reason for doing it, she was ready to go. Not without tears and heart break, but also with a new perspective and an open mind. She killed it. I know in my heart that her testimony changed someone's life. Her testimony was used to bring someone closer to Jesus. That's all that matters.

If you have some time, hear her story. It's pretty amazing. Be careful, it might change your life.

http://vimeo.com/62211549

I was sent this picture from our good friend, Matthew, who was filming. I've had butterflies in my stomach ever since. 

Pure joy.

Spring Is Here.

I've been counting down the days to Spring. I have had some serious issues with the cold weather and been yearning for the warm sun! Spring is so fun in Florida because...it's pretty much Summer. My friends and I have big plans to spend most of the warm days at the beach. I think this is our last week of cooler weather. Yay for Spring & Summer!

There's another reason I love Spring. This is a reason my friends tolerate and love me anyway. I love Spring cleaning. I do. I love cleaning stuff out, making new plans for the house and beautifying the yard. I have zero energy to do it during the winter, but once Spring rolls around I'm ready to put some gloves on and get to work. Luckily, my sweet daughter loves helping around the house and being outside. She pulls weeds better than any other person I know. She usually tries to pull all the other plants up with the weeds, but we're learning. We've already made our list and planned out our budget. Someone is a little too excited for home depot trips and adventures to the antique stores...any other HGTV/DIY nerds out there with me?

Spring also means spending a lot of time outside. Weslyn has such a great time outside, so I hope to be outdoors everyday, all day. The other day we spent the afternoon with my sweet friend, Heather and Weslyn's friend, Izzie. These two have almost as much fun together as their moms:)

Both of them love to be outside!

I think they're agreeing to be BFF. "Let's shake on it."

Oh, trying to get two toddlers to sit down and look at a camera is almost impossible. Okay, it is impossible. 

Alright warm weather, get here quick!

A Little R&R

We had a wonderful time in Atlanta and Cashiers this past week. Weslyn, Kobe and I went up to Atlanta so I could attend a church leadership conference at Northpoint. Lawton's cousin, Kim, was so sweet and let us stay with her. Not only did she let us stay there, but she kept Weslyn the ENTIRE time I was at the conference. I mean, this was sun up, sun down for two days. Oh, did I mention she has two children of her own she was also taking care of? This lady is a saint to me for sure. As nice and sweet as can be, she continued to tell me how happy she was to have Weslyn. Talk about feeling extremely blessed to have someone so wonderful take care of your child for two days.

Weslyn had a wonderful time with Kim and her boys. She was sad to leave and asked about them the next day. I'm so grateful to have people in my life who love my child and can take care of her for me. Kim, you're a life saver!

We dropped Kobe off with Lawton's Uncle Bryan. He's a big dog lover, so we new Kobe was going to be on a permanent vacation with Bryan. They had so much fun together and I'm pretty sure Kobe loves Bryan way more than he loves me. Something about those Graves men I guess!

While Weslyn & Kobe were having the time of their lives, I was having a pretty great time too. I learned so much at my conference and I can't wait to go back  next year.

After we left Atlanta, we headed up to Cashiers, NC for a little vacay with our friends. Lawton's grandparents were so nice to let us use their mountain house for our vacation. Let me tell you, this vacation was exactly what I needed and pictured it to be. Good times with old friends and lots of resting. Not to mention the 2 1/2 hour hike we did on Saturday. The two pregnant ladies (myself and my friend, Grace) stayed with the group though and finished the whole thing. Don't worry, we had lots of ice cream later that day to congratulate ourselves on the great accomplishment.

Weslyn had a wonderful time with everyone. It was great to see my friends getting to know her more. I want her to learn from them and love them as much as I do!

We made it back on Sunday and got back in the swing of things by Monday. It's great to be home, but I miss everyone already!

Being at Drive with our church staff was so much fun! Can't wait until next year!

Finding good seats was a challenge, but we were able to get close enough to the action.

Waumba Team! 

Finally in the mountains. We had one cold day, the rest were beautiful!

The two pregnant ladies on the ends made it to the top. Only took us 1.5 hrs...yikes!

This hike wasn't nearly as difficult, but poor Lawton carried a 25 lbs child on his back the whole time.  My hero!

Weslyn made new friends. Fell in love with Grace and Audrey real quick!

Audrey provided her with lots of entertainment. She was truly missed on the ride home.

Game night! Three hours of mexican train dominoes. Serious stuff.

The girls on Adrienne's birthday. We were full of cookie cake and ice cream!
 We had such a wonderful time! Can't wait until next time:)