Good Mom, Bad Mom

This is the game I play with myself on a daily basis. Am I good mom right now, or bad mom? I say "right now" because it's something that can change by the minute. Each activity we do and choice I make, I feel like I'm in a constant state of confusion and uncertainty of who I am at that given moment. Good mom or bad mom? Am I a good mom if I don't let my kid watch too much tv, or is it no tv at all? Or am I a good mom if I let myself get some things done around the house, so I let her watch some tv? Am I a bad mom if I send my barely two year old daughter to mother's morning out 1 morning a week, or am I a bad mom if I keep her to myself and fail to subject her to socialization? Am I a bad mom if I eat chick-fil-a while I'm pregnant (which I'm doing at this very moment) or am I a good mom who is modeling food choice moderation to her toddler? Ok, that one is probably a stretch, but you get the picture. This is all very grey and grey can leave me in a state of stress.

I've never felt more confused with any other job. I pride myself on being a pretty rational and logically thinking female. I like to think it's a trait my husband values and probably a big reason why he fell in love with me. However, when it comes to being a mom, I often throw logic and rationale out the window and allow my mind  to play some evils tricks on my self-worth. There are no right answers, no matter what the other moms in your play group say. Yes, they all have a lot of opinions, but none of them can show me evidence or proof that many of the decisions we make as mothers has a 100% guarantee that our kids will end up a certain way. We make choices about tv, food, cleaning products, schools, slings, epidurals, church, using the word "no", cry it out, swaddles, dating, friends, and every other possible decision we can think of with the hope they will turn out a certain way. Smarter, happier and healthier, right? I think in return we are  making ourselves more confused, upset and a little nutty.

I have a strong belief that this is an attack on moms in particular. It's not exclusive to moms only, but I see it more in females. Strong, confident women who suddenly become defensive, prideful and insecure when it comes to one area...parenting. The guilt of making horrible choices hangs over us like a cloud for years. How do we stop it? How do we end the cycle and finally come to the conclusion that what is not "ok" for one family might be "ok" for another? How do we stop comparing our family to other families and our children to other children?

For myself and my family, I've come to the conclusion that every choice I make, big or small, needs to involve Jesus' guidance, peace and love for me. Even myself as a logical, educated family therapist cannot base my parenting decisions solely on scholarly research articles and expert authors with all confidence. I surely cannot allow all  my self-worth to be wrapped up in the findings of a few studies done back in the 90's or in the opinion of my friend's cousin's friend whose kid went to a public school one time and is now in jail. The only confidence I have is in Jesus. I can have all the opinions I want and I can listen to the opinions of others, but the only one that really needs to matter in my house is His. His conviction and his peace. I've never been able to give out therapeutic assistance without His help (Sorry if some of you feel gypped). Why would I not involve Him on all my decisions as a mom? Why would I not allow His opinion and truth to over rule all others? It's a tricky game, so I'm done with good mom, bad mom. I'm done with allowing what another mom is doing to leave me insecure. My hope is for His grace and mercy to rule over my heart and my confidence as a mother. I need to listen to the still small voice in my heart that says, "You're doing just fine, Sarah. Just follow me." Finally I can be free to jam out to Fleetwood Mac every now and then instead of listening to Elmo for the 1, 548, 909th time (yes, I'm 28 and I jam out to Stevie). I pray I can lean into His love more often than the parenting books I read which tell me no matter what, I'll probably fail. There is hope in Him. My self worth and hope for my children to be smarter, happier and healthier lies in Him alone.