Two Is Better Than One.

The last couple of weeks have been a mix of emotions and challenges for the Graves household. I must confess (not that it comes as a surprise to people who know me) I'm very independent, almost to a fault. I enjoy completing tasks and I find a sense of pride in doing things on my own. I like finding the best way to do something and finishing it out with my own two hands. Being a stay-at-home mom has only fueled this independence. I get to set my own rules, be the boss and take care of little people. Oh, this is where I find comfort. The Lord recently gave me a huge wake up call after getting out of the hospital two weeks ago. "You're on light bed rest. You can get up to go to the bathroom, take a shower and do some things...but no long trips or strenuous activities." To which I responded, "Does taking care of a toddler, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning my house, etc count as strenuous activities?" "Yes."

That one word would soon be the death of my prideful independence. How am I supposed live my life if I can't do any of those things? You mean, I have to ask for help? I'm usually the one being asked to help and to be honest I love that. I told my doctor, it may literally drive me crazy to ask for that much help. She literally didn't care. I wasn't allowed to keep up with what I was doing if I wanted to keep this baby in the cooker. So I set out to begin asking for help from my hospital bed. Calling on family, my church and friends to come help. Having people help with Weslyn while I was in a hospital bed wasn't too bad. I really couldn't take care of her as I was hooked up to monitors, so I felt like I had a good excuse. When I got out of the hospital, that was a whole new ball game. We've had people in and out of the house, bringing meals, taking care of Weslyn, not letting me do much. Not to mention what my husband has done. He has been dad, mom, house cleaner, cook, etc for two weeks now. He doesn't stop until he's ready for bed. This has been the hardest. We've worked so much in our marriage to help each other at all times, we've never been in the place where one person was making all the effort. At the end of my rope, the Lord beckoned me to slow down and realize what He was doing through one of my devotions.

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 

Whittney Capps wrote the devotion "I Am Not Alone" a couple days ago and it pierced my prideful, independent heart. The Lord was really showing me that my resistance to rely on help from others was a direct reflection of how I rely on Him, which apparently is not enough. Ouch. The only time I felt true peace and freedom to rely on the Lord's strength was when all the control was out of my hands in the hospital. I tried to take back the reigns when I got out, but thankfully He kept them. My prayer is that He continues to keep them and when I take them back, I have the wisdom to realize what I'm doing and the courage to give them back (thanks, Andy Stanley). 

I'm so thankful for these people the Lord has used in our lives throughout this process. Grateful for the prayers, meals, company, books, netflix, text messages, cleaning, cooking, the help. I'm truly blessed, not only with this help, but to have the reminder from a God who loves me so that He will be my strength. Not just in the times when there's nothing else I can do. I can choose for Him to be my strength and support in any circumstance. Thank you Lord.

Here are some photos of just some of the help we've received. This doesn't even include meals, weekend baby sitting from friends, long phone calls (thanks, Charlie), sweet text messages, gifts, visits to the hospital, etc. 

Coloring with Gabby, Ellie and Izzie.

Playing the piano at Heather & Izzie's house

Playdoe at the Houghs

Pool with Gigi. Stylin' in Gigi's hat.

Spent the day with Jennifer & Heidi

Daddy always taking care of everyone.

Emo came in town for three days to take care of us.

Spent the day with Janie, Annabelle and Vivian.

Lots of days and evenings with Gigi and G'daddy. 

Thanks to all:)

Desert Song

This is a song near and dear to my heart. When I was in high school I began attending a youth group at a local church that was used to change my life. The friends, mentors and best of all the good news I discovered at Oneighty @ Grace Family Church certainly had a life long affect on me and my relationship with Jesus. Another aspect that I've always been thankful for was the music that so ministered to my heart. Throughout my relationship with Jesus, I've always been able to turn on a song about Him and it has helped change my heart in that given moment to be closer to Him. I think everyone has a different way that God has wired them to be present and connect with Him. Mine has always been through music. It gives me the words to praise Jesus. For me, songs about the Lord often bring scripture to life and give me a way to praise Him.

Desert Song has ministered to me for years in more than one way.I first heard this song at Oneighty when Chantal, a beautiful and talented worship leader who is now with Jesus, sang it for a group of broken, confused and thirsty teenagers. No matter where I've been in my life, this song has really taken all of the emotion I feel and can't make sense of and uses it for His good. This song first ministered to me when my father passed away in high school. Then in college when I couldn't figure out the path God had me on. Then after the birth of my first child when I went through many of us moms call "baby blues". And now, as I sit in a hospital bed and have doctors and nurses monitor the baby in my belly. As I listen to a doctor tell me news that vary from having a completely healthy child all the way to the possible complications I could have at any moment. All I can think of throughout this process is I will bring praise.

This song has ministered to me in many situations, which I felt at the time were extremely difficult, but this time I feel even more of a need to lean into the words of this song. It's more than a song. It's a prayer and a plea. A proclamation bringing me out of my emotional, broken and confused state to a place where I find peace, security and strength. All of my life in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. Blessed beyond words can express, this baby is healthy right now and the environment he or she is in is safe. They say I should be able to go home soon since things are looking much better. Even if that changes I hope my prayer will continue to be that I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare. God is my victory and He is here.

              "Desert Song" (listen here)
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Good Mom, Bad Mom

This is the game I play with myself on a daily basis. Am I good mom right now, or bad mom? I say "right now" because it's something that can change by the minute. Each activity we do and choice I make, I feel like I'm in a constant state of confusion and uncertainty of who I am at that given moment. Good mom or bad mom? Am I a good mom if I don't let my kid watch too much tv, or is it no tv at all? Or am I a good mom if I let myself get some things done around the house, so I let her watch some tv? Am I a bad mom if I send my barely two year old daughter to mother's morning out 1 morning a week, or am I a bad mom if I keep her to myself and fail to subject her to socialization? Am I a bad mom if I eat chick-fil-a while I'm pregnant (which I'm doing at this very moment) or am I a good mom who is modeling food choice moderation to her toddler? Ok, that one is probably a stretch, but you get the picture. This is all very grey and grey can leave me in a state of stress.

I've never felt more confused with any other job. I pride myself on being a pretty rational and logically thinking female. I like to think it's a trait my husband values and probably a big reason why he fell in love with me. However, when it comes to being a mom, I often throw logic and rationale out the window and allow my mind  to play some evils tricks on my self-worth. There are no right answers, no matter what the other moms in your play group say. Yes, they all have a lot of opinions, but none of them can show me evidence or proof that many of the decisions we make as mothers has a 100% guarantee that our kids will end up a certain way. We make choices about tv, food, cleaning products, schools, slings, epidurals, church, using the word "no", cry it out, swaddles, dating, friends, and every other possible decision we can think of with the hope they will turn out a certain way. Smarter, happier and healthier, right? I think in return we are  making ourselves more confused, upset and a little nutty.

I have a strong belief that this is an attack on moms in particular. It's not exclusive to moms only, but I see it more in females. Strong, confident women who suddenly become defensive, prideful and insecure when it comes to one area...parenting. The guilt of making horrible choices hangs over us like a cloud for years. How do we stop it? How do we end the cycle and finally come to the conclusion that what is not "ok" for one family might be "ok" for another? How do we stop comparing our family to other families and our children to other children?

For myself and my family, I've come to the conclusion that every choice I make, big or small, needs to involve Jesus' guidance, peace and love for me. Even myself as a logical, educated family therapist cannot base my parenting decisions solely on scholarly research articles and expert authors with all confidence. I surely cannot allow all  my self-worth to be wrapped up in the findings of a few studies done back in the 90's or in the opinion of my friend's cousin's friend whose kid went to a public school one time and is now in jail. The only confidence I have is in Jesus. I can have all the opinions I want and I can listen to the opinions of others, but the only one that really needs to matter in my house is His. His conviction and his peace. I've never been able to give out therapeutic assistance without His help (Sorry if some of you feel gypped). Why would I not involve Him on all my decisions as a mom? Why would I not allow His opinion and truth to over rule all others? It's a tricky game, so I'm done with good mom, bad mom. I'm done with allowing what another mom is doing to leave me insecure. My hope is for His grace and mercy to rule over my heart and my confidence as a mother. I need to listen to the still small voice in my heart that says, "You're doing just fine, Sarah. Just follow me." Finally I can be free to jam out to Fleetwood Mac every now and then instead of listening to Elmo for the 1, 548, 909th time (yes, I'm 28 and I jam out to Stevie). I pray I can lean into His love more often than the parenting books I read which tell me no matter what, I'll probably fail. There is hope in Him. My self worth and hope for my children to be smarter, happier and healthier lies in Him alone.

23 1/2 weeks, baby #2

Today I felt the urge to post about my experience so far with baby #2. Fortunately, I only had the typical 1st trimester sickness that most women get. Since then, I've felt fine. Most days I forget I'm pregnant  until the end of the day when my back is aching. I've been able to keep up with most activities and I can still carry Weslyn around on my hip. Overall, I feel really great and blessed to be pregnant with our second child. Everything is as healthy as can be and the pregnancy is going by very quickly! Of course I don't take nearly as many "belly" photos as I did with my first, for two reasons. 1. I forget how many weeks along I am...all the time. So I end up not even taking pictures. 2. I don't have the overwhelming desire as I did w/ my first pregnancy to document every time my belly grew. Mostly because this time around I get a lot of  "are you due soon?" to which I reply, "no, I have the WHOLE summer to go." I feel the immediate urge to tell people it's my 2nd pregnancy and yes I do exercise. ha! Isn't it funny how people talk to pregnant women? I've never experienced so many people needing to give me advice or assume my due date just by looking at my belly. It's funny how many experts are out there...who have never been pregnant and are not obgyns:)

This is my post to pregnant ladies. The ones who get really rude comments and advice from all kinds of people. Let me tell you, ladies, ignore these comments and put on your best smile. Don't give them another moment of your energy and don't explain yourself. You are carrying life inside of you!Whether you are working full time or taking care of your 1, 2 or 3+ children, you really don't have time or energy to put into caring about all the comments or advice. So be proud of yourself every day that you get up and carry on throughout your day without having a hormonal breakdown . Be proud of yourself when you get out of bed to take care of your children while carrying a bowling ball in your stomach. Be proud of yourself every time you refrain from punching someone in the face for the ridiculous things that come out of their mouth. Most of all, be proud of how God is using you to carry the little life inside of you. The comments and advice are only distractions from what you need to be focusing on, providing safety and good health to that little life. Don't get caught up in your insecurities. You. Are. Pregnant. You can't really trust your emotions right now. Relax and enjoy this time in your life. You won't always be in the season when you're constantly pregnant. One day your children will be grown, graduating high school, getting married, having children of their own. Treasure this time when it's appropriate to give your children your undivided attention. One day it won't be necessary or wanted:) Ignore the distractions and focus on that little life you hold and the little lives in your home.

 I'm going to start treasuring this time I have with baby #2. I've learned that time flies way too fast. Before you know it that bowling ball turns into a walking, talking toddler. Proof below.

38 weeks pregnant with Weslyn. Bowling ball.

Newborn Weslyn. 

Walking, talking toddler, Weslyn. Goes by too fast.

So here's to being 23 1/2 weeks pregnant and looking like I could pop at any moment!

23 1/2 weeks pregnant w/ baby #2. 

Curb Appeal Progress

When we started our house hunt two and a half years ago ( I can't even believe it's been that long) I had one thing on the top of my "must have" list. A front lawn with grass and a pretty exterior. I was a typical first time home buyer who wanted something I wasn't going to really be able to afford in the neighborhood we wanted to live in. I guess that's why it took us nearly 6 months to find a house. I eventually came to my senses and realized A. being house poor isn't very appealing and B. I wasn't going to get my pretty picture house for the price we wanted to pay in our ideal neighborhood. It just wasn't going to happen. So I had to....compromise. It was hard but well worth it. I've learned to appreciate a house that has a good structure and has "potential." It's actually been a driving force to make me much more patient in the last two years. I guess God really is working thru everything, even our vain desires for a pretty house:)

Last weekend Lawton and I spent all day on Saturday landscaping. It's been a slow process getting some grass in the yard and reviving the plants we do have, but it's been worth it. It's not there yet, but it's getting there. We're definitely making progress.

This is what the house looked like when we moved in. Yes, that is Lawton's 87 year old grand mother doing my yard work. As you can see, zero grass, a lot of weeds and the shrubs were butchered. The house color was pretty bland too. And the wall...ugh.

Here is the progress. Half of the wall removed, Holly trees out, painted front door, new plants and revived old shrubs. Looking much better. The next item on our agenda will be to paint. Not the whole house, but details of it. Hope to get it done before baby comes in September!

Cousins.

Weslyn, Kobe and I made a trip to Raleigh last week and had a fantastic time with her cousins. Poor Lawton had to stay home to work, but we took lots of pictures for him so he could see what we were up to. Weslyn had the BEST time with her cousins. She warmed up to them very quickly and really enjoyed being with them every waking moment. Kobe enjoyed the attention too. Chesson and Anna Corbin took turns feeding him every day. He and Chesson also had some great male bonding time. I wish I had pictures of Chesson pretending to be Kobe and laying down with him. So cute! We were all pretty sad to leave, but we're looking forward to our next visit!

Going to a restaurant with three kids is easy...if two mommas are there to control the chaos!

These two princesses had so much fun dressing up and playing. Weslyn wore this dress everyday she was there. 

Lots of silly faces to send to Uncle Lawton/Daddy, Gigi and G daddy!

Finally some down time. It's a good thing these kids
enjoy the quiet time as much as Kobe.
 Notice him taking a snooze in the background. :)

Back to the dance party

Lots of dance parties!

All three in the Yukon. It's a good thing Corbin and Byerly have this car with their third child on the way. Plenty of room for all of them!

Can't wait for all of them to be reunited again! We've got to get ready to have two more added to the bunch:)

Baptism.

This was one of the happiest days of my life and also one of the most emotional. A year ago from Easter my sister gave her life to Christ. Almost exactly one year later, she made a proclamation thru baptism that Jesus is her Lord & Savior. My words were few. My heart was grateful. My faith was changed. Jesus changes people.

My sister did a video that she resisted to do for some time. Once she realized the reason for doing it, she was ready to go. Not without tears and heart break, but also with a new perspective and an open mind. She killed it. I know in my heart that her testimony changed someone's life. Her testimony was used to bring someone closer to Jesus. That's all that matters.

If you have some time, hear her story. It's pretty amazing. Be careful, it might change your life.

http://vimeo.com/62211549

I was sent this picture from our good friend, Matthew, who was filming. I've had butterflies in my stomach ever since. 

Pure joy.